Her Heart in Pieces
by LJBC
Summary: If he only knew what he did to her..and her heart.. He already had it torn into pieces


Heelloo everyone!:)

This is my first fanfic i'm posting here and onlythe third one I've ever written:) But the other were written a looong time ago and they really weren't very good..... and this is my first english FF because i'm from Germany... si I already apologize if my engish isn't that good xD I didn't ahve time to look for a Beta Reader...I was sooo exited to publish my story!:)

Sooo.... I hope you have fun with my story...:)

Disclaimer: Unfortunately Harry Potter doesn't belong to me.... all characters and everything belong to J...... but the plot is MINE muhahaha...alright sorry^^

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Her Heart in Pieces

If you want to know who Lily Evans is, you have to know how she spends her evenings.

In the mornings she is the perfect student, always obedient, always being attentive in all of her classes.

In the afternoons she is making her homework and tutoring students, never losing patience.

But in the evenings she lets go of her perfect self-restraint. For only one reason, named James Potter. Every evening they meet each other in their Head-Commom-Room. It's inevitable.

And even if it was, she wouldn't let that opportunity to let go of everything go away. She would find just the tiniest eason to blow up against him, no matter what he says or does.

That was her only chance to let go of the perfect mascerade she put on every day and that she had put so much effortn in to perfect herself in. She would lose control, scream and shout and in the end she'd

insult him and run into her room, door slamming shut behind her. As soon as the door closes she'd break down and cry. Cry about her stupidity, her inability to show her true feelings,

her fear of getting attached and being hurt. Because if she was true to herself she knew that her mask got chapped. Everday. And the reason was the man she had been shouting at a few minutes before.

Since the moment she realised she had fallen in love with him. But she just couldn't let him know that. It would mean that she was vulnerable, even more than she already was. She knew his womanizing ways,

he didn't have girlfriends, his Sex Bunnys lastet (at most) two or three weeks. And if she would give in to him she knew she wouldn' last any longer than all the girls before. And that'd break her heart. Her

heart that she had tried to protect so, so hard. That no one had gotten near to. That she had tried to keep away from everyone but her closest friends, so it woulnd't get harmed in any way.

And still she lost it. To the last person she had wanted to. She didn't even know why or when it had begun, but someday she realised that her heart was his, only he didn't know it, never would.

So it was already breaking apart and there was nothing she could do about it, because everytime she saw him and fought with him it tore her heart in dozens of little pieces. But at the same time her heart was healed.

Because she knew that she wasn't just any girl to him. She was the one he could never get (or so he thought). She was the only girl in Hogwarts that hated him, that distinguished herself from all of the girls attending the school. She was something knowing that fact made her unable to let go of her feelings and their constant fights.

This evening they had had another one of their fights. It began like every other fight they'd had in their almost five months of being Heads together, with James entering the Common Room and Lily sitting on the couch, doing last bits of homework and secretly waiting for hom to return. But this time when she turned around to face him she immediately noticed something different about him. His hair looked even more disheveld than always and his clothes were crumpled. His shirt looked as though it had been thrown over in a haste and the majority of his buttons were undone. To top it all was on the hem of his shirt some red lipstick. And Lily knew for a fact that James didn't use lipstick.

In all that time that they had been sharing the Heads Dorm Lily knew that he didn't have sex with anyone and although she had found it strange, she was overjoyed by that. It gave her hope. How stupid she had been! Of course he would get back to his old ways and have another toy each day of the week. How could she have thought he wouldn't?

Lily felt how the tiny little pieces which had once been her heart turned to broken fragments of glas that cut her inside while sinking down to somewhere below her stomach. Fo one second she felt her sorrow overwhelme her, before her self-protection switched on and turned it into anger.

"Potter! You were out after hours! One fine Head Boy you are! We're supposed to set an example for the younger students. You in particular should learn to obey the rules - not break them! Urgh! I can't blieve Dumbledore made you of all people Head Boy! You are the most irresponsible, untrustworthy person to walk the earth! It's impossible that you can't even get to the Dorm on time just so you can go and break another innocent girl's heart for only a few hours of fun! You make me so sick!" After her outburst Lily only stood there, panting and watching him with her emerald eyes turned to slits.

James remained absolutely uneffected by her words and her loathful glare. "Come on Evans, get over yourself. Just because you are a cold-hearted bitch doesn't mean everyone has to behave like that. If you want to live life as an untouchable virgin, have your way, but don't criticise me or my actions! Geez, Evans, go have some fun! And what are you talking about me breaking the hearts of some innocent girl? Believe me most of them are definitely not innocent" at this he smirked his typical Potter-Smirk that made every girl giggle and swoon all over him.

Lily had to muster up all of her strengt not to cry. His little speech hurt, hurt so much. His words cut even deeper than her broken heart's sharp-edged pieces.

"You are so disgusting, Potter! I do have fun! But my idea of fun looks a little bit different than yours! I don't hurt other peolpe for fun, I don't make them cry." With this she turned around and made her way to the door of her room when his next words stopped her.

"Oh come on, stop it Evans, it's really starting to get unnerving. These girls know what they are up to if they give in to me. I don't make any girl cry."

At this Lily turned around and couldn't suppress the stinging in her eyes from the hot tears that started to well up in her emeraly orbs. But she didn't care right now as she whispered " Yes you do, James, believe me you do."

James stood there absolutely flabbergasted when the door closed after Lily Evans. What did she mean by that? And did she really have tears in her eyes? He went over to the fluffy seat in front of the fireplace and sat down. After a couple of seconds he groaned and leaned back. What had he done now? Why did he have to say those things to her? Now she hated him even more. He had been in love with since the beginning of seventh year. It was like a bold from the blue on that very first day of terms when he saw her from inside his compartment in the train. She had looked so beautiful as she stood there on the platform, a breathtaking smile on her face as she waved to her friends who came storming over to engulf her in a group-hug. He remembered how her brilliant emerald eyes had sparkled, full of laughter and joy, and her auburn hair waving in the slight summer breeze. That was the moment he felt his heart skip and he fell in love with her.

But he knew that she hated him and would never ever like him. They had had a hate/hate reltionship since their first day in Hogwarts six years ago. And if it were for her that would never change. So he acted as though he still hated her, her perfection-ness, her studious mind, her cold attitude. And she gave him the same impression. She still screamed at him, insulted him, slapped him, hated him. And he played along with it, because he'd rather have her hate him than not even acknowledging his presence. He had tried to get over her, had tried so hard. But nothing worked out. So tonight he had attempted to distract himself with some blonde girl from Ravenclaw. And although she was very pretty and very eager to please him, he couldn't. He couldn't stop thinking about Lily. How he wished his hands would run through her red locks instead of blondes, how he would gaze into her emerald depths instead of grey ones. So he got rid of the girl and came to the Common Room. He needed to see Lily. And there she was, in front of the fire. And she looked even more beautiful than in his imagination only minutes before. But then she started a fight, again and he had to play along. Only this time her words hurt more than the other times, so he tried to make her feel the same way by insulting her, too. But he never thought that he would make her cry. He never hought he _could_ make her cry and he never wanted to. And still he had done it. The moment he saw the tears well up in her eyes his heart froze to stone in his chest from agony and anger towards himself.

James groaned once again. He couldn't do this anymore. He needed to speak with her. Now.

He stood up, walked towards her door and knocked. "Lily? Please open the door. I need to talk to you."

Lily hadn't even made it to her bed after she closed her door. She immediatly sunk to the floor and wept. She was such an idiot! No, _ he _was an idiot! Why did he have to be like he was?

And _why _did she have to lose her hart to him?

She remembered his words: "_ I don't make any girl cry" _Oh how wrong he was. If he only knew that he made her cry every evening and every night into her pillow. Even in her sleep she dreamed about him and cried!

_This has to stop_, Lily thought. _I can't unlove myself from him and I can't pretend to hate him anymore. I couldn' even hold my tears 'til after the fight! He's bound to notice it sometime. Maybe I should tell him how I feel. But...no! I can't do that! He'll laugh at me and askme if i'm crazy or something. I...I just can't tell him anything... _

Then she heard a knock on her door and his voice "Lily? Please open the door. I need to talk to you." But then again..... maybe she should still tell him....what could she lose? Her heart? Was already gone.....

When Lily opened the door the first thing James saw were her sad, red, puffy eyes and he couldn't help himself. He pulled her into his arms and in his warm embrace. "I'm so sorry, Lily, believe me I'm so sorry". He stroked her hair and repeatedly whispered the words in her ear as she started crying all over again in his hard chest. She felt so safe and warm in his arms and she pressed herself closer to him as he hugged her even tighter. After some more minutes Lily calmed down and leaned back. "Sorry...now your shirt is all wet....." she said softly.

"Doesn't matter" he smiled slightly. "Listen Lily, I'm really sorry for what I said earlier. I shouldn't have said these things. It was just mean and I don't think that about you. I really don't."

" And I'm sorry about all the thing I said... it wasn't fair". Lily cast her eyes downwards again. She wanted so badly to stay in his arms, to snuggle up to him, to just stay close to him. But she couldn't. Because he didn't love her. He didn't feel the same as she did and he still didn't want a relationship, only his fun. Now that she knew how it felt like to be held by him it was even harder to let go and step away from him, out of his embrace. But she did. " You're allowed to do whatever you want and I shouldn't criticise your ways to have....fun" she said.

"Lily I didn't sleep with that girl." James said softly.

Lily's eyes went wide "You didn't? But..why?"

"Because that's not what I want. It's not _her_ that I want."

"It's...not?" Lily said hesitantly, "and..what is it....that you want?" The slightest ray of hope began to flimmer inside of her. But it couldn't be...

"You", he said.

Lily stood there for a moment, shocked, unable to move. That couldn't be true. He couldn't want her. " Me? But...why me? Why not... that pretty blond sixth year from Hufflepuff? Or....Alicia from Ravenclaw....she's absolutely gorgeous...." Lily started rambling. She couldn't believe his words...he would change his mind just by her reminding him of some very pretty girls that he would surely like better than her. He couldn' want her.... he just couldn't.... he had to pick another girl, so she could start protecting her heart again....she would be too vulnerable if she believed him....what if he was just toying with her? ....this was wrong,..so wrong...

"No, I don't want the Hufflepuff or Alicia." he told her firmly

"Not? Then how about..... Kelly...you know she's in our year, Gryffindor...?"

"No."

"But...why not?"

"She's no you."

These four words broke all her wards that she had struggled to keep up so desperately. "_She's no you....." _

"Lily...I love you." Now she knew her heart was safe with him. And even if she hadn't known, there was nothing she could have done to keep her heart from giving all the tiny little pieces it was made of to change sides and belong completely to him and become one again.

So all she could do was lean up towards him and press her lips to his. It was the perfect kiss. She felt nothing else but his warm lips against hers, his hands in her hair and around her waist, pulling her closer to him as her hand went to his soft hair, disheveling it even more.

After what felt like hours their lips parted and she gazed into his beautiful hazel eyes that shone full of love for her.

"I love you too."

And he pulled her in for another perfect kiss....

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Yeah, well....that's it:) I hope you enjoyed it=) Reviews pleeaaseee??^^ Critical comments are appreciated as well=) (exluding any insults of course;) :D )

xoxo BCLJ


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